Daily Show Mocks the Tea-Partying Obama Haters, and Tracy Morgan Gets A Lot of Laughs

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Jon Stewart, Host of the Daily Show

Opening the Daily Show episode, Jon Stewart quotes a member of the tea party movement as stating: “Obama lied: Our country died!” and is reminded of the title of Dr. Seuss’ alleged second-worst book, “Obama lies, our country dies.” He draws attention to how the media is hyper-focusing on the alleged violent side of the tea party protests  – expecting them to get rowdy, while FOX keeps an eye out for  “any sign of the crazies running around.” The entire media front covered today’s culmination of the tea party express. Even Wyatt cynac showed up, though he reported in disappointment after failing to fall victim to the racial hatred allegedly et to explode at any moment. Perhaps, the media is blowing smoke where there is no fire?

Smantha Bee does a piece around Bo Dietl, a private investigator who worked with the Daily Show on numerous occasions. During their interview, he mentions how ten handguns and a shotgun were stolen from his office at some point between November

Tracy is always entertaining

2007 and today. In response to his problem – in return for his courageous efforts – THE dAily SHOW TEAM is put into action. Larry Lawton – ex con, Louis Ferrante – ex-loanshark, frank luntz – gop strategist, all work together to crack the case, but they fail. Miserably.

In the third leg of the show, Tracy Morgan turns up to push his new flick – Death at a Funeral (which isn’t mentioned that much). Immediately upon his entrance, Jon claims that he smells special; as it turns out, it’s because of a new fragrance by Tito Jackson. The interview gets interesting when Tracy reveals that he refuses to see the movie Spiderman since its lead superhero owes him $75. After that hilarious snippet, the comedian rolls into his philosophy about golf, invents a nickname for the host – STEWBEEF – and keeps him laughing for so long that by the end of the episode, Jon considers following Morgan around for a week – just for laughs.

Stephen Colbert discusses America’s Financial Victory, Confederate History Month, Crazy Commercials and Gay Animals

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This host is tough as nails

Stephen Colbert opens his report with a newsweek cover, he then probes into the slavery side of Confederate Month, leads a conversation about fast-food in afghanistan and cupcakes in Germany, before finally wondering if nature could ever be gay.

To kick it all off, the host holds up the NewsWeek cover that displays the words “America’s Back!” over a patriotic background. He supports the celebration, happily announcing the news that the Dow Jones closed above 11,00 for the first time since September 2008. And even though he isn’t quite sure what that means, his trusty financial advisor, Gorlock, assures him in a new book, “To Serve the Investor,” that it’s best for Stephen to just “relax and fatten up.”

In other news, Governor Robert Mcdonald of Virginia decides to call April, Confederate History Month. Stephen creates a new bumper sticker, “VIRGINIA IS FOR LOVERS of embarrasing moments in American History,” which brings him It him to the Word: Slavery. In the snippet, Stephen discusses how some southerners consider slavery as an insignificant issue.  They want to merely focus on states rights, which just so happen to include slave ownership in certain regionns. As Alexander Stephens so elegantly phrased it: “[The Confederacy’s] corner-stone rests upon the great truth that the Negro is not equal to the white man; that slavery — subordination to the superior race –is his natural and normal condition.” By the end of The Word, Stephen tells everyone to strip the hateful word of its meaning, as he begins referring to everyone in the audience as his “slave-uhs” (as in slaver, or someone who owns slaves.)

The Nussbeugerl reflects the 'German Smile', which is a frown to Americans.

The episode moves into a discourse on the fast food ban in afghanistan, and a burger king commercial depicting a crazy King, which lead Stephen to believe that food advertisers are in fact lunatics; he goes on to cite the campaigns for Coco Puffs, Almond Joys/ Mounds, and the KFC Double-Down Sandwich as further proof of commercial craziness. Then he transitions into a story about Germany turning down Mcdonald’s line of American cupcakes, after their citizens continue to prefer their own native bavarian pastries, (like the “Nussbeugerl.” ) Desperate to show Germany the good stuff, Stephen invites German Ambassador of the UN, Hanz Bienholdt, to come in and try a cupcake. After explaining the bizarre item to the Ambassador, the German representative decides that he doesn’t like “cuppit ckaes”, though he does openly admit that he’s done many unforgivable things for a Klondike Bar.

The episode closes with a discussion about ‘They Gay,” an article in The New York Times by the straight-human, Jon Mooallem. It discusses whether or not animals can be homosexual. And, as it turns out, it’s difficult to tell; however, studies have reported that one third of a studied population of Albatross have actually paired off in lesbian couples. Stephen doesn’t get much evidence to swing either ways, so he swings alittle in both directions.

The Daily Show Discusses Nuclear War, Obama’s Biography, and Civil-War Related Racism

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Host of the Daily Show, John Stewart

Wednesday night’s Daily Show opened with a discussion of Obama’s  “concrete steps toward a world without nuclear weapons.” John Stewart discovers that it wasn’t a pie in the sky hippie statement, but a precursor to the recent signing of a Strategic Arms Reduction Treaty with Russian president Dmitry Medvedev. He elaborates on this allegedly historic treaty, explaining how the parties involved: Agree to reduce number of nuclear warheads by thirty percent (aka a meager 1,550 weapons per country), and to limit their missile launchers to 800, and any long range missiles to 700. Further history was made with a declaration that the “U.S. will neither use nor threaten to use nuclear weapons against non-nuclear countries.” But, however promising this may sound, the U.S. made sure to reserve the right to make any necessary adjustments to the policy in the case of biological weapons threats, and to mention how it doesn’t apply to countries not in compliance with the Nuclear non-Proliferation Treaty (NPT).

Both Presidents Wanted 33% less Nuclear Weapons

Later on in the show, he talks about the state of Virginia, where he went to college at William and Mary, and focuses on the story about Governor Bob Mcdonnell (R) issuing a proclamation that makes April into Confederate Appreciation Month. In his own best interest, Governor Mcdonnell made sure to apologize for ignoring slavery, admitting that he was “trying to keep the focus on the war aspect of it,” instead of the reasons why the war was fought in the first place.

David Remnick is the guest of the evening, discussing his new book “The Bridge: The Life and Rise of Barack Obama.” He mentions how Michele Obama refused interviews, how he conducted most of them (and composed the book itself)  in the wee hours of the night, and how ambition and self-confidence helped the Obama float to the top of government.

Jon Stewart Discusses GOP spending, Palin and McCain, and Robin Williams is Ecstatic

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The host of the Daily Show looking more serious than usual

Jon Stewart starts the daily show with a story that is almost completely without meaning and subsequently hilarious. The story? A scandal about the thousands of dollars spent by the G.O.P at a bondage-themed strip club. In defense of the expenditures, once might argue that Voyeur, located in West Hollywood, isn’t a sleazy go-go bar, but “a destination for provocative revelry that combines eroticism and nightlife exclusivity.” Alison Meyers, head of RNC’s Young Eagles, was fired for her direct involvement with the ordeal, while Michael Steel was competely let off the hook.

In other news, John McCain is struggling to maintain a narrow lead in a tight senatorial primary against J.D. Hayworth. With his back against the wall, the prodigal daughter – Sarah Palin – tries to save the falling maverick in her own not-very-helpful way.

Sarah puts McCain beneath her wing for the upcoming primaries

Robin Williams is the guest of the evening, and he thanks Jon for inviting him to relapse (a direct reference to the gift basket that included a bottle of vodka). He also mentions his heart, which is now constructed partially from cow parts, and recommends doctor’s in Cleveland for all future medical procedures. His book,

“Weapons of Destruction,” isn’t mentioned until the last second of the episode.

Colbert Report Explores Ricky Martin, Catholic Sex Scandals, and the Opinions of Simon Johnson

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Stephen is Fighting for America

In Tuesday’s Colbert Report, Stephen expresses his surprise when Ricky Martin comes out of the closet, admitting that the news has rendered him upside-inside-out. He is saddened by the fact that The Holy Week has been tainted by more priest abuse cases, which are slowly popping up across Europe. Stephen urges everyone to forgive and forget, since sex abuse has only been committed by 4% of priests.

Another edition of “Thought for Food” discusses Nature Babycare Diapers – which are manufactured from corn-based materials – and a study asserting that fatty foods are as addictive as heroin and crack cocaine. Stephen laughs at Jaimie Oliver, when his show fails to convince kids that chicken-carcus-slurries don’t make a good chicken nugget.

Stephen was surprised to hear that Ricky is gay

Stephen interviews Simon Johnson about his book 13Bankers, in which he discusses the five year pattern of wallstreet-sanctioned financial meltdowns. He explains why failure is important to the market, and how Obama’s administration failed to break up with big banks. He calls the president a capitalist, and admits that he doesn’t have faith in the country’s judicial system. Johnson also convinces Stephen about the danger of the enormous banks, and how they metaphorically flip over the game board when they start to lose at their global game of economic monopoly.

Stephen Colbert Celebrates Passover, and Chats with Senator McCaskill

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Stephen is Fighting for America

Stephen welcomes Jewish viewers with a humble shalom, which he describes as the hebrew word for “aloha,” and celebrates Passover by inviting Elijah over for seder. When he learns that he’s been stood up yet again, he turns desperately to fill the slot with Senator Claire McCaskill. He uses a top-shelf bottle of Maneshewitz wine – intended for the seder – to degrease an old bike chain, and finds that free health care means that it makes sense to wash your hands with raw chicken.

In other news, hundreds of vultures are reportedly circling the Sun City retirement community in Georgetown, Texas; Americans have started to target those who voted for the Health Care reform bill, and Republicans vow not ever to cooperate on a bill like H.R. 4495, where both parties revolutionarily worked together to rename the United States Postal Service building in Patagonia, Arizona, the ‘Jim Kolbe Post Office.”

Senator McCaskill stands firmly behind the president's reformation of health care

Later in the show, Stephen tips his hat to the Jews after he learns that they’ve gone commercial with Passover, sighting a product at Bed Bath and Beyond, which renders the ten biblical plagues as wonderful finger puppets. He closes with an interview with Senator McCaskill, who expresses her expert vision of how to improve America, and grants well-wishes to Rush Limbaugh who is out looking for a better life in Costa Rica.

Homer Simpson Declares Peace and Chicken for All in Episode 2116

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The (dramatized) Simpsons

When Homer flashes Ned‘s bible study group, the good christian learns that he must try to embrace the obnoxious neighbor. With the helpful persuasion of a what-would-jesus-do bracelet, and the it’s-time-for-a-good-deed  wall clock, Ned grows the courage to invite the Simpson family on the bible study’s journey to the Holy Land, Jerusalem. He would had turned him town, if his sarcastic response hadn’t drawn Marge’s attention, just in time for her to accept the offer, and insist that they’d pay their own way.

In Israel, Homer is forced by the Israeli Army to admit that potato pancakes – or latkhas – are as good as American pancakes, and that falafel can be delivered to the top of Mt. Zion. Bart is chased from the Wailing Wall by a special tour-guide’s super daughter, who works security for the tour, and uses Krav Maga to take him down. And, eventually, Ned has a mental breakdown, which leads to his banishment from entering a very special church.

Homer thinks that the upset christian runs off into the desert, and he pursues him on the back of a camel (aka a sand horse). But, he gets stranded in the desert, and is confronted by three heaven-sent vegetables, who deem him the messiah. When he gets rescued, the good doctor diagnoses him with Jerusalem Syndrome, just before the patient vanishes from the hospital bed.

The Church of the Holy Sepulchre, where Ned freaked out at Homer

They find him at the Dome of the Rock, announcing that every religion is part of the same clod of clay, and that everyone needs to celebrate the commonality of chicken; after all, Muslims, Christians and Jews can all eat it.

By the end of the episode, Homer urges all to spread the word, “Peace and Chicken!”

The Kids of South Park are Tricked into Reading ‘The Catcher in the Rye’

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The second episode of season 14 opened with the unbanning of an infamous book: J.D. Salinger’s The Catcher in the Rye. Mr. Garrison tells the children of South Park Elementary that the vulgar and disgusting publication is now allowed in the school’s curriculum, and that everyone is expected to read the first three chapters by the following day. Enthralled at the notion of this wonderfully sinister book, Eric Cartman pleads for the class to begin reading once he has the book in his hands.

The next scene has Stan and Kyle discussing the impending disappointment as they draw toward the end of the novel. When Cartman busts through Kyle’s bedroom door, he’s infuriated by the fact that he just got tricked into reading an entire book for nothing. Out of anger for the pathetic book that was somehow banned, the four boys decide to write their own ban-worthy publication, putting Catcher in the Rye to shame.

The Notorious Publication in the Print

The title of the work is Scrotie McBoogerballs, and when Stan’s parents discover it, they vomit while reading its contents. Stan is frantic once he discovers the book missing, so the four friends conspire to blame Butters, in anticipation of the trouble they will get in for writing such despicable material. To their surprise, Butters gets famous and turns into a complete modernized novelist. All is well for little Leopold, especially when his second book, the Poop that Took a Pee, gets even better reviews than the first. But, when a crazed fan is inspired by the book to kill the Kardashian sisters, Leopold Stotch cries in remorse, until Kyle is given the chance to explain why it’s best to just stick with television.

‘Stealing First Base’ is a Recent Gem of a Simpson Episode

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Matt Groening, creator The Simpsons

The Simpsons break new ground in social commenary as Matt Groening introduces what seems to be a new level of socio-centric animated satire.

The beginning of the episode shows Homer with his new GPS system, and how difficult it is for him  to follow Lisa’s simple explanation: meters are three inches longer than the 36-inch yard. Because of his dimwitted demeanor, he misses a right turn, and somehow manages to crash through a construction site before arriving at the front of the elementary school, fastened to the back-end of a tow truck.

At school, Bart is disappointed about his teacher’s absence when he learns that Skinner is forcing their class to integrate with their fellow forth graders. But, the transition isn’t a total loss, once he chooses a desk with a vampire-loving skateboard girl named Nikki.

Meanwhile, Lisa is busy loathing her first ‘F’ while seated alone on the playground see-saw. She tries to cope with the horrible truth, until suddenly a fellow failure joins her on the teeter-totter. Soon everyone is embracing her common stupidity, which gets spoiled by the teacher, who reveals that the grade was just a mistake, and that the young girl had really gotten an ‘A’ triple plus on the exam. This news turns the majority against her, as she is immediately ridiculed for her superior mental capacity. In her confusion about what had happened, Lisa posts on her organic gardening blog. She is enthralled to find an inspirational response from a curious individual named flotus1. To her surprise, the author turns out to be the First Lady Of The United States, Michele Obama, who arrives by helicopter to congratulate Lisa’s ambitions, and to inspire other over-achievers to continue on the path to greatness.

The (dramatized) Simpsons

As for the fourth-grade relationship, America’s overly litigious society is heavily criticized as an innocent kiss turns into a lawsuit, leading to the young boy receiving a crash course in the bizarre nature of love, which would have turned him away from girls altogether, if not for another strategically whimsical kiss on the boy’s cheek.

Controversial Akon is Denied Access to Sri Lanka

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The guy on the left sells liquor, and the middle one owns a Diamond mine.

Today, Tuesday, March 23, the government of Sri Lanka announced that Akon, the long forgotten Senegalese-American R&B singer – known for such gems as “I wanna F**K you,” “Smack That,” and “I’m so paid” – had been officially denied him an entry visa. While many would wonder why such a talented musician would be prevented from entering a prestigious country like Sri Lanka, all it takes is a simple glance into the notoriously controversial artist’s recent past to realize that it was probably a really good idea.

According to Akon, his full name is Aliaune Damala Akon Thiam, even though his legal name is all that but one very important part – Akon. His shady claim of a three-year stint in an auto-theft ring dissolved in light of the fact that he’d never been convicted of a crime. And, it seems that Konvict Records isn’t even remotely the truth, considering how he has yet to spend a single day in prison during criminalistic years.

This sort of stuff isn't cool in Sri Lanka, Akon.

In truth, the man has fathered six children with three different women, and owns a South African diamond mine to produce the musical gems of auto-tuned perfection. Fortunately, for his musical career, he depends on something else other than his own god-given talent.

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